I am me

I have been told many times by people "I like that even though you're a pastor's wife you're still yourself" I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not. But it definitely made me think.

*Who am I

*What impact am I having on others (whether on purpose or not)

*Why am I the way I am.

*What do people expect from me

I have always just lived my life & try to do the best I can. I have struggled w/ self doubts in myself, my looks, & so on. I know I am human & I'm not perfect & I never will be, but I never cared what others thought of me until the day my husband said he wanted to be a youth Pastor. I started thinking

*how will I be a role model

*will these kids (teens & preteens) really look to me for guidance.

My worries slowly went away. I know that had to be God. Some how he gave me sensitivity when need, scripture when asked, honesty for the hard headed (remember I'm talking about teens :))

Then my husband decided we should start a church, which I fully supported. He also thought he should be the head pastor, & took many steps to make sure that he was fit & qualified, so once again I supported him. What I didn't realize was that would make me the Pastor's wife. Some of you may think (like I did @ 1st) 'no big deal' 'doesn't really change anything for me' or 'what is the Pastor's wife duty'

*I support him

*I love him

*I'm pretty submissive

WHAT ELSE IS THERE????

*oh yeah the women in the church

*my role, expectations, etc

and my worldly doubts kicked in too

*am I smart, wise, pretty (yes pretty, you have to be good looking if your husband will randomly point you out during service or have you meet people ;)), strong, or supportive enough.

I never really thought about how much I put on my Pastor's wives (knowledgeable, wise, an example, etc) & what I thought they should be like (Godly women & wives) or the things I respect about them (because they were all these things), or even why we view leadership this way, until I realized other's will prob do the same toward me now.......which brings me back to the statement 'I like that even though you're a pastor's wife you're still yourself'. So does that mean women view me w/ all the things I listed above & it's a bonus that I still seem like myself or I'm not all the things listed above & I'm liked because I am myself? Not saying that other pastor's wives aren't themselves, but I can understand how easy it is to view women in the church as more 'Godly' than what you view yourself to be.

So I admit I struggled w/ those 1st set of questions lately. I have realized I should be more involved w/ the women @ my church, grow closer to them. No I'm not older then some of them but I still need to be an example(Titus 2). Even though I'm not the wisest women & still search my husband's brain for answers I can be a good pastor's wife. I need to dig deeper in my Bible more often. But really all I can be is who God has made me

*a women seeking His heart. Longing for the day when I can see his face.

I am me. I can't change that & I won't. God has changed many things in my heart over the yrs. I am still the insecure female I always have been but I know I have someone stronger to lean upon & finds good in me, othrewise He wouldn't have put me where I am today. I can't worry about what others expect of me I can only be who God has called me to be & hope that others can except that.

So yes, I am

*loud

*honest (w/ others, about me, & my past)

*some times unfiltered

*open

*awkward when given a compliment

*able to laugh @ almost anything

*a mother, daughter, sister, (Pastor's) wife, friend, & me

*caring

*passionate

*messy

*sarcastic

*a cry(er)

*a women who finds her roles important (as a wife & mother)

*laid back

*a believer

and soooooo on.

Thank you Lord for making me me.